pavona's diary

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I have a headache. I have a headache because I've been on the computer for about 9 hours straight. I had headphones on for most of that time but eventually I had to take them off.

I was supposed to start my diet yesterday but I totally failed because I had ice-cream for breakfast. The ice-cream was there. It needed to be eaten. I could have just thrown it out but I can't waste food like that. So I ate it.

I need to lose about 15lbs. I need to lose more than that but 15lbs will do to start with. If I can remember not to eat junk but otherwise to eat regularly, and walk every day, I think I can do it in 6 months. Although it's May now so really I only have five months before the high school reunion that I already bought an outfit for that I can't possibly get into unless I lose 15lbs. So that's why it's 15lbs.

Things I am thinking about doing today:
* go into town to buy a nice fountain pen
* take my laundry up to the laundromat
* look for some papers I need
* not do any of the things I should be doing and work on this page instead

A large part of that 9 hours was spent trying to come up with a username for this site. I went to lots of name generator sites and had a list of maybe 20 possibilities. And I followed other links and got distracted.

Who am I and what am I doing...? I'm avoiding my responsibilities as usual. I've had too much caffeine and not enough sleep. I recognise that I'm overstimulated now. I'm energised to sit on my arse and do things that don't need doing. I am not energised to clean my room or do laundry or wash dishes or vacuum. The usual.

I spent way too much on Tuesday, on things I don't need really, but they looked interesting. I bought soap and toothbrushes and some squishy animals and some hand cream and a couple of notebooks and some underpants and a hoodie and kitchen sponges. Yesterday I bought some cute things that were marked down and told the assistant they were gifts for a friend who was going away. They're not. They're for me. But I was embarrassed. There was no need to say anything at all!! Why do I do this? Now I feel like I can't go into that shop again for a long time. Then again, that's probably for the best. They have too much cute stuff I want.

And now the internet is not working. I've reworked my crappy template and I'm ready to upload but the internet is not cooperating. It's not the router. It does this sometimes, just refuses to connect even though it says the connection is available. I ache with tiredness but if I lie down now I won't wake up until dark and that will be another day where I didn't do anything that other people regard as worthwhile or useful.

I've been asleep for most of the last two days. I'm getting sick again because I've been stupid and not looked after myself or even remembered to take my medication at the right time. I know I have to be responsible or else there will be "interventions". It's beyond ordinary self-care. I don't know why I have such trouble with this. I don't want to be sick. I don't want other people making decisions for me. I'm not very good with responsibility, the weight of it. I'll do the bare minimum, then I'll get sloppy and do less and less until I suddenly realise things are about to fall apart and I'll scramble to get back to a certain standard. Lurch, lurch.

Haven't tried to go online since Thursday midday. I hope it's going to work now. I'm still not really happy with this template but it will do for now. I've forgotten so much css, I'm ashamed.

I've been trying to find a story I wrote when I was 11. I've suddenly realised how few of my old writings still exist in an accessible form. Even the original handwritten copy (with bad spelling and lots of crossing out) would be ok. I know I typed out most of my stories and poems at some stage and I know I backed everything up several times, but on what media and where is it? Probably on 3.5" floppy haha, in which case I'm screwed. There's almost none of my really old stuff on the laptop. Where did I put it all? It'll be on my old laptop probably, or some old USB lying around that is corrupt. I don't care enough to really go through everything looking. Or I know it will end in bitter disappointment and more feelings of failure, that I never achieve anything and even though I used to be a careful person I'm not that person any more and mainly I break things now. Not on purpose, but just in carelessness. Careless and slack and lazy, that's me.

I've been sick for a couple of days, thought it was the flu but it wore off too quick, so just general malaise really. Got a message from The Boy, which was nice, cos I wasn't expecting to hear from him for a few weeks yet (I'm still in the friendzone but he misses me apparently, which is a good sign). Internet keeps dropping out which isn't helpful at all (trying to relearn some css so this site doesn't suck too much; even though originally I thought "wouldn't it be fun to code a site as badly as possible just to see if it still works", it's just too much hard work to make it awful on purpose). Still trying to find that story I wrote when I was 11. Also trying to find a story I wrote more recently (but still years ago) where the main character was called Pav, so I can explain with some coherence why I'm calling myself Pavona here. Can't find anything in this place, it's making me cray-cray.

I really wanted to remake this without tables but I cannot get it to display properly with just css. I know I used to be able to do this. I thought I had figured it out, but apparently not. Or maybe it's changed now and the shitty code I used to get away with doesn't work any more. Oh well. So. It doesn't look how I really want it to but I have a massive headache (again) and I'm freezing cold so I have to stop now or I will die or something.

Imagine that you had a tweenaged niece who liked to write stories, only she didn't write like a tween or a child or even a teen, she wrote like a much older person (50 or 60 something), all grammatically correct and saying "with whom" and things like that, and she constantly got harassed because everyone thought she was a much older person pretending to be a tween. And then she sends you her stories and you have absolutely no idea what to say about any of them because they don't interest you because you're not a tween and you can't stand all that formal language either. (This is where I admit I'm a shit aunty.)

As I was falling asleep yesterday I had a great idea for a story. Of course once I woke up I'd totally forgotten it. I remembered I'd had a great idea but not what it was. That is sooo annoying and it happens all the time. I did decide to share some of my "art". It's pathetic and not very interesting but often colourful and repetitive. I have hundreds of them if not thousands. When I get in the mood to make them I make lots, thirty or fifty or more in a session. Digital art of course. Usually on my phone. Usually utter shite, but whatevs. Gotta fill this space somehow, huh, and I keep forgetting what I was going to write, so... at some point I will copy them off my phone and make a "gallery".

Niece was bugging me a bit today via text that I haven't commented on her stories yet. I said quite truthfully I've been down and out with a migraine but promised to read the shorter one at least sometime before Monday night, and "review" it. I will try to be kind but I'm dreading it. Trying to find kind things to say about niece's stories without sounding too obviously patronising (or like I haven't really read it because aha sometimes I do skim a bit) is nearly as challenging as actually reading them properly and trying to follow what it's about.

Still can't find my own stories that I've been looking for. Can't find anything really. Some of the old dears in my building have been looking at me in a concerned kind of way, so maybe all my swearing loudly when I drop another box of junk on my foot has been heard. Had the misfortune of running into one of them at the bus stop recently and of course the first thing she asks is aren't I cold. Well, I was, but I rushed out to get to the post office before it closed and didn't realise it was cold outside so I didn't take my hoodie, but I wasn't going to admit to being cold because the last time I did that two of them turned up on my doorstep with a selection of rather ugly jumpers they got from the local Vinnies, thinking I was so poor I needed woollens bought for me. Ugh!! Nice of them to care, but, uh, no thanks. (Vinnies is a thrift shop, for those who don't know. And jumpers are like sweaters, I guess.)

An approximation of how my life progresses:

Sometime after 9pm on any given night:
Me: I will definitely get up by 9am and Do Stuff.
*sets alarm*

About four hours later:
Me: These sites are really interesting!!
*drinks too much diet cola*

Between two and four hours after that:
*disables alarm*

About 1pm:
Me: I didn't have to do anything really important today, did I? Nah, it can wait until tomorrow, I'm sure.
*passes out on the floor*

After 4pm:
Me: Oh, crap, I was supposed to A, B, C, D, E... today, oh crap!
*feels guilty but blocks it out immediately, probably goes back to sleep*

After 8pm:
Me: Oh, ugnnngh, I feel like shit... again.

I was going to take my laundry up today but it's after 11am and I haven't slept yet and I can't be bothered, so I will pass out soon (because I've been up all night) and then tomorrow when I have an appointment I will freak tf out because I have almost no clean clothes and I will curse myself for not having done today what I was supposed to do last week (and the week before).

Also, it is my hope and desire that one day this site will be worth looking at. Yes, this one.

Last night, instead of sleeping, I was madly clicking on links.

Felt slightly better yesterday than I have for a few weeks, probably because I ate sparingly and didn't stuff myself with junk food.

I bought some shoes today, for walking/exercise. Of course the ugliest shoes in the shop would have to be the only ones that fit me properly. I have weird feet. Now I've been wearing them for about an hour they feel a little tight, but I expect they will stretch with use. I'm thinking of getting some metallic paint markers and drawing on them to make them less ugly. Pastel pink and green stripes if I can find the right pens/ink. Or just silver, whatever.

And now the internet has decided to stop working. I can connect fine with my phone on wifi but will the laptop connect/stay connected? Of course not. I was only on for about 20 mins and it dropped out. I don't know why it does that. Even rebooting doesn't always fix it and I don't want to reboot because I just tediously reopened all my tabs (after updating the browser) and scrolled to the right parts of pages to continue trying to relearn all the css I've forgotten. If rebooting would definitely fix the connection, yes, okay, I would do it, but I know it doesn't always work. At least I have the tabs open to work off, even if I can't look up anything else or write the emails I should have done yesterday.

This front page is getting too long. I need to archive the earlier entries. The /dire folder, by the way, is a lame pun, for "diary" (di+re = di-ree). Also because my life is a dire mess.

Oh, and "pavona" isn't a totally nonsense word after all; apparently "pavonated" means "like peacock blue". Or it's just a coincidence. Namespinners have been known to suggest supposedly non-words that do actually mean something in a language other than regular English. Anyway, I thought it was interesting. And I like peacock colours.

Internet is working again, but who knows if it will stay connected long enough for me to do anything? Automatic updates in progress now, takes forever, everything is slow af.

I managed to get rid of the ugly shoes with facebook marketplace. Got $80 for them which is pretty good. Not the full price I paid but I'm happy. Looked at shoes in a local shoe place, although the one I really want to go to is 8 stops away on the train and I just don't have the energy for that right now. There are some nice Vans and Asics on sale in the local place but none that will fit me of course. Stupid feet. Um, no, poor feet. Sorry, feet. I do love you. I stand on you all day, haha. Poor feet. Poor weird feet that are so hard to fit. Wah.

I went for a good walk today and so far I haven't stuffed myself with junk food. I weighed myself this morning, omg, it was horrible! I'm about 24lb over what I was this time last year. I know I have to fix this. Nobody can do it for me (well, they can, if I get put in hospital and controlled, but I really really do not want that!!). I have to show I can and will look after myself, or people will step in and run my life for me and I don't want that. I just wish I could adult properly.

Saw some nice dogs today on my walk. Patted one. It was so happy to be patted. The owner seemed to feel sorry for me, like the dog had tricked me into petting it?? Haha, no, I would pet your dog aaaallll day if I could!

Went for another walk last night, which is almost unheard-of for me. The idea was to walk twice as far as I did earlier. I think I just about managed that. I had to sit down a couple of times because I was too hot and needed to cool off. I was a bit out of breath but nothing really awful. I bought a chicken wrap to eat on the way home, but no mayo, so it was reasonably healthy. I forgot to ask them to take the skin off the chicken, though, and I was so hungry I'd eaten half of it before I realised there was skin in it. Oh well. Better than most days though - I was active twice and I didn't eat junk.

I bought some chewing gum too, strawberry and watermelon flavour supposedly. I've had watermelon gum and strawberry gum but not both together before. It doesn't taste like strawberry or watermelon, it tastes like Christmas. It smells like Christmas, too! I don't know how to explain the taste/scent, it just screams "Christmas" at me. Childhood Christmases, I guess. Or no later than the mid-90s.

Met some more nice dogs in my second walk, including a poodle-cross which really wanted me to sit down on the footpath so she could snuggle in my lap. Awww. But her mommy wouldn't let her. Sensible. I'd still be sitting there, petting her. Haha.

Instead of sleeping I've been exploring neocities. Too much caffeine, I think. Also, not having stuffed myself with junk food yesterday I didn't have the usual post-carb-binge food coma thing happening. Possibly even the exercise served to keep my system ticking over? Wonders will never cease, haha!

There are some really nice, interesting, creative, original, and even useful sites on neocities! You have to hunt a bit, try jumping around in the activity pages, go to page 5 or 17 or something then come back to page 2. The updating/refreshing is a bit clunky/laggy, or maybe that's just my connection. I have so many tabs open, I really should close some before everything crashes. (At least I got my emails written finally. Had to make myself do them, but now they're done I don't have to think about them again until those people respond, if they ever do.)

Still haven't taken my laundry up. I needed to do that last week and I still haven't done it. This is what I mean about adulting (failing to). I do have lots of clothes, but they don't fit. That's because I let myself get fat again. So I'm now in my last pair of pants that I can just about squeeze into (but not very comfortably) and there are eight other pairs waiting to be washed. Eight!!

But that's not what I wanted to say. Plan for today:
* At 8am, take my damn laundry up to the laundromat, see if I can collect it tonight.
* After 9am, go to the shoe shop I've been meaning to go to and buy myself some comfy trainers that are not ugly.
* Ring my mum and see if I can go stay with her for a couple of days next week (I need a break from the nutters in this building).
* At about 1pm, try the new fish meal that's been advertised at my local pub as a Wednesday special (I love fish but hate cooking it myself).
* If I'm still awake at 3pm, go for a brisk walk around the park (hopefully in new comfy trainers That Are Not Ugly) for at least 20 mins. After that, or instead of that if I'm falling asleep, go home and nap until about 6pm, then pick up laundry if they said I could do that.

There's a lot of stupid, useless, ugly, headache-inducing crap on neocities, too, of course. I'm trying not to be one of those sites.

I did pretty well yesterday - I didn't get to the shoe shop but I did everything else I planned, except it wasn't a brisk walk in the park, it was more of a stroll, but I kept at it for over an hour. I think that evens out!

I did see something upsetting in the park though. There was an older couple (grey hair) with their young puppy, some kind of mid-sized terrier, maybe half grown. They were teaching it to sit and stay, using treats and positive reinforcement (that's what we like to see). Then a large group of teens came over and started playing with the puppy. They should have asked first. :(

The owners didn't seem to mind and the puppy was friendly, but after about 10 mins it was obvious the dog was getting anxious, too much stimulation and strange people shrieking in its face and wanting to cuddle it. The owners were totally ignoring this, on their phones, doing whatever. I went over to the group of kids and said they should give the dog more space, it was obviously getting freaked out. They kinda sneered at me, like "it's not your dog". I scooped up the puppy and said, "but I know about dogs, I can tell this one is getting upset" and I took it back to the owners and explained what had happened. They said thanks, patted their dog a bit, gave it a treat, then went back to their phones.

Why the frick do you get a dog if you're just going to ignore it??? I get ignoring a dog that's misbehaving, you do it like that to discourage the bad behaviour (unless the dog is in danger, obviously, then you intervene). The puppy was stressed, it was shivering and its ears were pulled back. So I sat on the ground next to the couple's seat and held the puppy gently on my lap until it was calm, about 20 mins. I was secretly hoping it would go to sleep on me but the teens had gone so when it wanted to get up I let it go.

I wish I could have a dog, but I'm not financially stable and other parts of my life aren't stable either, and probably the responsibility would be too much for me in the long term. But geez... I want to love all the sad puppies out there. All-day cuddles and belly rubs. Lots of praise and nice walkies. Dear little fuzzy faces looking up at me. Awww.

I have some nice trainers now! Not from the place I've been meaning to go to, but found on the way there. They were reduced from $150 to $99 because they were the last pair in that size/style/colour combo. They're actually a size above but thick socks or double regular socks work well. They are bouncy and comfortable and I'm crazy happy about them. Yaaaaay!! Nike M2K Tekno in orange/pink/white.

I've been in near-hibernation mode again. All I want to do is sleep! And when I'm not asleep, I'm constantly thinking about food. Not good. Not good at all. Found out the date of the proposed high school reunion has been moved forward so I have even less time now to lose that minimum 15-lb. It would help if I could stop eating crap! What the hecking heck is wrong with me... (apart from the obvious).

Niece sent me some more stories. I've read three out of four. They're okay but a bit samey, like really she could combine them into one larger story but I know from when I've said such things in the past she gets crazy-angry, so I won't say that this time. There was some really awful haiku in one of them, but deliberately awful according to her footnotes, because one of the characters (who's "a bit slow") wrote them, but it's not clear which character, which annoys me. But... it did remind me that back in 5th grade we had a haiku assignment so I'm hoping my mum still has my old exercise books when I see her on Thursday. I sorta recall that my teacher didn't know how to mark my assignment because some were good, some were pathetic, and one or two were scary? I think I mentioned a knife or something, hahaha. I was a weird child.

Last night I was working on a new design and I had to leave the room for a bit. My laptop is temperamental sometimes so when I don't know how long I'll be I do the Windows+L key thing. That stops the screensaver from freezing on the screen, forcing me to reboot (and lose everything I've been working on - not lost as in gone, but lost as in I have to reload everything and remember which files I had open and where I was up to in those files or webpages, which is a major pain in the butt). So, last night, did that, came back, pressed the spacebar to log back in, and it just hung. O_o

It's never done that before. I waited and waited and waited... but eventually I had to reboot. I just about cried because I'd been viewing source on a couple of very long pages to learn how to do some css tricks and because I had to reboot nothing got saved to history or bookmarks. So I have no idea now what those pages were or how to find them again. Cripes almighty that gives me the shits.

Rrrrrrrrggggghhh.

Oh, and when I restarted, my browser auto-updated, which I hate, and I'm pretty sure I've got it set to Never Auto-Update, and then when it finished that, I found it had changed a bunch of my settings, oh my god, I hate that so much!!!!! Default font size, changed up; default fonts, changed; preferred background, text and link colours, changed; where to save to, changed (always ask me dammit); saving passwords, enabled (no! never!!!); and it had changed my "speed dial" site tab things to sites I hate and never go to except by accident or redirect, and had lost all the sites I actually use and want on there, which was about 40. And as I've just found out, it also dumped 3/4 of my cookies. Had to re-login to a bunch of sites, which also shits me. So there goes my good mood.

Mum has all our early school stuff, which on the one hand is great because I got to look through my old exercise books and alternately laugh, squee and cringe ...but no wonder she's always running out of places to put things, keeping all of that ancient history stuffed in the cupboards. But she refuses to get rid of them. Okaaay, if you insist. Anyway, I'm working on a nice layout for my 5th grade haikus. There's a teaser up currently: foodhaiku/index.html. The rest to follow in a day or two.

Oh! And I got another message from The Boy. He didn't say he missed me this time :( but he did ask how I was. So he hasn't forgotten my existence, at least.

Well... I did have plans for today, which went like this:
* take second load of laundry to laundromat
* take the bus and train and bus again and go to that shop where I wish I'd bought that thing in September, and buy That Thing if they still happen to have any left
* walk around a bit and probably spend too much on crap I don't need, and eat junk
* take another bus and go to that other place where they have that festival thing and see if I like it there
* if not, take the train home, remembering to collect laundry after 6pm

Except none of that is likely to happen now because I've stayed up all night working on my haiku pages (still in progress) and frequently getting distracted by neocities sites (and other sites linked by whomever), and I'm gonna need to crash at some point, probably soon. Although I should make the effort and do the laundry. I will be pissed at myself tomorrow if I don't. Ehhh...