the new girl - week 12

Monday 15th

I got an invitation to Annie's birthday party for next weekend!!! That is the first party invitation I have got in more than 2 years! Mer was really shocked when I told her that!! I didn't say it to shock her, I forgot she hasn't known me that long and doesn't know what used to go on and why I haven't had proper friends for years (until Mer of course). She really wants me to accept the invitation but how can I explain that the thought of going to a birthday party makes me feel sick because I'm scared it will the the same as before, all over again? Also I don't really think Annie wants me to go, she only asked out of politeness because she sits with me sometimes now. I told her I would think about it but I had to ask mum anyway.

Tuesday 16th

Mum said I can go to Annie's party if I want but she also understands why I would be scared and she said she can talk to Mer's mum about it to help Mer understand why I might not want to go. I said ok. But I'm nervous now that Mer will think I'm a bad friend if I say no.

Wednesday 17th

Annie told me she really wants me to go to her party. She knows what happened in 3rd grade and she said it was really mean of those girls to do that and she wants me to have a nice time at her party and not to be worried about it, because nobody will be mean or make fun of me. I was so shocked I burst into tears and I felt so bad because she didn't know what to do or say, she just looked at the floor. I made myself stop crying and I said thank you and that I would "rsvp" tomorrow morning because I still hadn't decided. Although really I had decided I wouldn't go because I would probably cry all the time anyway from being nervous and I don't want to spoil Annie's party so I'm not going to go. But I couldn't say it out loud.

Later I told Mer I was going to say no. She asked me why not. I started telling her and I got so upset I couldn't breathe properly and I sat on the floor and cried and I was so ashamed and people were looking at me and laughing and I was so ashamed that Mer saw me behaving like that. Eventually Mr N came along and made everyone go away and took me to the counsellors office. Mer insisted on staying with me even though I was sure she would rather be somewehre else but she's so nice. Then the counsellor called mum to pick me up but she was working and dad was working so Aunty Laura came and at least she knows about "that business" so I didn't have to explain anything. Mer said to call her after dinner.

I cried more when I got home until I fell asleep. Mum says I don't have to go to school tomorrow if I don't want to and she apologised for forgetting to speak to Mer's mum.

Thursday 18th

Decided to stay home. My head hurts from all that crying. Mum has gone to Mer's house to talk to her mum. I forgot to call Mer last night, I feel guilty!! I'm worried about Annie not liking me now because I said I would "rsvp" today and I can't because I'm at home. Well I will have to call her house I suppose. When mum gets back.

Friday 19th

Staying home again. Mum rang Annie for me and just said that it was "too much" for me at the moment but I really appreciated being asked. So I'm not going. I'm so relieved I don't have to tell her in person! Mum said Mer's mum was very concerned about What Happened to me and that Mer will "of course" understand when she knows.

Later: Mer called and was so upset that I had been picked on so much and she didn't go to school today either because she was angry and upset. She told me 5 times in a row that I am still her best friend!!! And not to ever worry that she won't like me if I cry or I'm "weird" because it's normal to get upset when bad things happen. I wished she was here so I could hug her tight and say how thankful I was to have a real friend for the first time since halfway thought 1st grade! But I just cried with happiness and said thank you over and over!!! I'm going to her house tomorrow and will sleep over! That will be the first sleepover (that is not cousins) ever in my life!!!

Saturday 20th

(At Mer's house.) Her mum made a big fuss of me and said I was so brave to stay at that school after what happened (not like I had a choice but I guess she doesn't know that). She said I was "a lovely child" and she's proud Mer has me as a friend. Well I got embarrassed after 5 mins, my face got so hot I know I was blushing. But she wanted to make me feel better and I appreciate that.

Later: We went for a walk with Mer's brothers who are 13 and 14 (John and Erik) so they could skateboard at the park. Cassie didn't come because she has to clean her room poor thing!

Later: After the park we had cheese on toast and then played in Mer's room. We did dress ups for a while (she has lots of clothes to go with all her shoes). Suddenly I rememberd Annie's party! I asked and Mer said she told Annie she wanted to be with me because I'd been upset and she didn't want me to be on my own. She said Annie didn't mind and nobody was mad at me or hated me for "ruining" things, but I can't really believe that, after Annie went out of her way to be nice to me and I cried and everything.

Later: There is so much to write about but I'm so tired. We've had a really nice time and I feel comfortable with her whole family which is super!!

Sunday 21st

(Early morning at Mer's house.) We woke up because the rain was so loud. Now we are on the sofa with Mer's mum and sister under a huge red blanket. Cassie wanted to know what I'm "always writing". I told her my diary. She wanted to read it, even tried to grab it but Mer pushed it back towards me and told her off for grabbing. So now Cassie is mad at me for not sharing.

Later: Still raining! I don't really want to go home cos it's so nice here but mum will pick me up at 12. Cassie has said sorry which was sweet of her (even if her mum told her to do it, I think) and that she is going to write a diary too. It feels weird that I "inspired" her.

Later (at home): Big thunderstorm about 2 mins after we got in! Mum said "lucky!" (she means for the car). I've almost used up all my diary pages now. Only 3 left! If Mer wasn't my friend, I mean if she didn't come to our school or she hadn't been in my French class and we didn't become friends, I would never have written so much already! I used to only write 3 sentences a day! Now sometimes I fill a whole page or even two! I'm sad because I will have to start a new diary very soon and it isn't even the end of the month. I like how the pages go crinkly when I've written on every line. I hope I can get another note book exactly like this one.

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